The danger of being a perfectionist in a relationship

A perfectionist is a person striving for flawlessness and setting high-performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations.

Having a trait like this isn’t bad but it becomes toxic in a relationship if you place the same demand on your partner. For you to have a hitch free relationship, you must understand that your partner isn’t perfect and he/she is bound to make mistakes. And if no allowance is given for his/her mistakes, your relationship will face a lot of problems.

This kind of trait made me remember a neighbor who can’t allow his spouse to wash his clothes because he believes nobody can wash his clothes better than him. So no matter how she tries, she can’t satisfy him. Imagine a kind of a relationship in which no matter how you try to satisfy your partner all effort is in futility. Being in this kind of a relationship where you can’t satisfy your partner can make life difficult.

Some of the traits of a perfectionist are:

1.    You have demanding standards for yourself and others

2.    You can’t trust others to do a task correctly, so you rarely delegate

3.    You think, and then act, in extremes

4.    Your self-confidence depends on what you accomplish and how others react to you

5.    You tend to fixate on something you messed up

6.    You always look for mistakes

7.    You often spend copious amounts of time just to perfect something

8.    You are extremely hard on yourself

9.    You procrastinate or avoid situations where you think you might not excel

10.    You become depressed when you don’t achieve your goals

I will discuss on some of the traits and how they are dangerous to a relationship.

You can’t trust others to do a task correctly, so you rarely delegate. For a relationship to be healthy there must be trust. Trust serves as a foundation for a healthy relationship. Thus, if you barely trust your partner for anything, your relationship is heading for a collapse. Such a relationship won’t be enjoyable for you and your partner.

You have demanding standards for yourself and others. Demanding a high-performance standard that may not be met by your partner will only break him/her. A relationship is meant to build people and not to break them. So demanding a standard higher than what your partner can meet up with will only wear him/her out.

You always look for mistakes. This will make you critical of your partner. And once this occurs frequently, the emotional feeling you have for him/her will reduce and this might lead to a break-up. Finding a fault is one of the worst things you can do to your partner.

You think and then act, in extremes. If you are married, you will look like a wicked man or woman to your children and spouse. An extreme parent scares his/her children away, and in most cases, such parent loses the honor of a caring and loving parent.

You often spend copious amounts of time just to perfect something. In this case, you will often bore your partner, because most of your times are spent on making things perfect. If you happen to be a man, you will lack the quality time to spend with your partner, thus, your relationship will lack effective communication and fun less. 

A relationship becomes enjoyable when you can accept and accommodate your partner’s flaws without demanding a high-performance standard from him/her. However, this doesn’t mean that your partner should be complacent or unwilling to embrace a positive change. You will only need to encourage and influence him/her and not by demanding it.

Nevertheless, be satisfied with who she is, give her chance to do things in the way best known to her, and trust that she will do things right.