1. Past: When it comes to planning for a marriage it’s crucial to talk about your
past, because the past has a role in shaping the present. Whether your past is
tainted with pain, or filled with hope- you need to get real with where you
come from. Past relationships, family history, and significant experiences
(both positive and negative) that have shaped you are just some of the things
that need to be discussed as you look back- so that you can join together in
moving forward. IT MAY BE TOO SENSITIVE BUT IT IS BETTER THEY HEAR IT FROM YOU
THAN DISCOVERING IT THEMSELVES. IF THEY ARE THE ONE, THEY WILL STICK WITH YOU.
2. Family: What role will your family play in your life once
you are married? How will visits, holidays, and special occasions impact your
relationship with one another? Will you start your own traditions, or continue
those of your family of origin? What role will our family have when it comes to
our life and decision making? Combining two people from two separate families
into one is something that many people take lightly. But it’s a topic that can
cause much strain and stress if not tackled in part before you say I do.
3. Sex: Our views of sex and sexuality are shaped long
before we commit to marriage. It’s
crucial to get comfortable with this topic of conversation, because it’s one that you’ll carry on for
the rest of your married life. What are your views of sex, and how have they
been shaped? What is your past sexual history and how might that impact your
relationship? What expectations do you have and are you on the same page?
Understanding your sexual views and knowing your partner’s is a valuable part of preparing for intimacy.
4. Secrets: I get a lot of questions from people wondering
when is the right time to share “secrets”- the parts of your life that
you rarely share with others. There is no better time to share these intimate
things than now, as you look ahead at marriage. From family secrets, to
personal choices, from health problems to mental health concerns, this is the
time to share things big and small, paving the way for honesty and openness as
the foundation of your relationship.
5. Expectations: Because expectations are such a deep-seated
part of who we are, we don’t often
think about them. But talking about these things gives us a chance to bring
them to the surface in a constructive way. What are your views on work, family,
and marriage roles? How will you accomplish the cooking, the cleaning and the
chores? This is just skimming the surface of the things we may expect going
into marriage, and it’s an
important conversation to have.
6. Money: It’s amazing how such a seemingly benign topic
before marriage, can become such a trigger after. Too many couples get caught
in the trap of financial stress and struggles because they didn’t take the time
to discuss the finances. How do you feel about combining money? What are your
spending habits? Do you have any debt and how are you going to pay it off? What
are your views on saving, tithing, and giving? Getting on the same page when it
comes to money will save you so much strain as you soon become one.
7. Faith: When it comes to genuine faith, it’s a part of you
that should be oozing out of your life long before marriage. But just as
important as it is to retain our individual relationship with God, it’s important to connect in our
faith experiences as we look toward marriage. Discussions about prayer life,
reading God’s word, spiritual roles, theological beliefs, and denominational
preferences are all things that need to be considered and discussed as you move
forward.
8. Children: Above and beyond dreaming about baby names,
there is so much more to the topic of family planning before marriage. How many
children do you hope to have? What happens if you aren’t able to get pregnant? How were you parented, and
what are your personal views on parenting? Who will take care of the children,
and what are your views on day-care, schooling, and the like. There are many
important aspects to this topic that would be beneficial to take the time to
discuss and work through.
9. Boundaries: Essentially, boundaries are your views on
what is okay and what is not okay when it comes to your relationship and
marriage. What do boundaries look like with friends of the opposite sex, past
boyfriends/girlfriends, and even family members. How will we protect our time,
guard our emotions, and prevent our bodies from negative interactions with
others?
10. Struggles: One thing I know about marriage, is that it
magnifies everything. Your strengths and your weaknesses. Before you enter the
pressure-cooker of marriage, you need to get real with your bad-habits and
hang-ups here and now. Do you have a tendency to express anger through rage? Do
you struggle with any addictive behaviors? Are there any areas in your life
that you need to expose and address before you move forward toward marriage?
Take the time to talk frankly and honestly about your struggles, and make the
time to work toward hope and healing.
The season before marriage is a rich and joyous time in a
couple’s life. Don’t allow the pressure of creating the “perfect wedding”
to keep you from focusing on what really matters. Plan your wedding, but most
importantly, plan your marriage- because a healthy marriage is something worth
truly celebrating.
Writer: Relationship Doctor
Comments
Post a Comment